1
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:06,335
[Theme song playing]

2
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,001
[Eerie instrumental music]

3
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,478
HANK: Okay, Dale, hop on up.

4
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:51,681
I don't know. Looks like
he died with his tongue sticking out.

5
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,115
Let me try again. I can look deader.

6
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,814
BOOMHAUER: No way, man. Dead is dead.

7
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,153
It's getting old sitting up here
in this harness.

8
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,387
Dang old wedgie city up here, man.

9
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,153
HANK: Well, it's a small price
to pay, Boomhauer.

10
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:06,096
I'm the general contractor
of the school's haunted house...

11
00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,625
and it's my responsibility
to bring this job in on time...

12
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:11,865
under budget, and over scary.

13
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:16,169
You know, it's the damnedest thing.
I got myself a wedgie, too.

14
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,707
PEGGY: Hank, dinner time.
I am stirring in the cheese powder.

15
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:21,837
HANK: Okay.

16
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,476
Hey, Peg Leg! Can you come out here
and give me a hand?

17
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,010
What is it, honey? I'm right in the middle--

18
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:30,112
[Men laughing]

19
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,026
HANK: Gotcha!
PEGGY: Oh, you!

20
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,562
That just took a year off of my life, I think.

21
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:39,361
I'm gonna scare the pants off those kids,
I tell you what!

22
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,298
I want Bobby
to have the perfect Halloween...

23
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:44,732
the kind I had when I was a boy.

24
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:47,037
[Cheerful instrumental music]

25
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,055
[Doorbell ringing]

26
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,069
[Doorbell ringing]

27
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,044
BOYS: Trick-or-treat!

28
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Oh, my! Aren't you boys the scariest!

29
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,509
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man. Talk about...

30
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:01,782
[Sinister laughing]

31
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,721
BOOMHAUER: Dang old boo, man!

32
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:07,418
DALE: You got any candy cigarettes?
MRS. HILL: No, but I have chocolate.

33
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,625
Happy Halloween!

34
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,029
Only one.

35
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,036
[Cheerful instrumental music]

36
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,367
[Splattering]

37
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,031
[Boomhauer laughing]

38
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,306
Come on, push it over.
Knock it down, quick!

39
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,415
Okay. Dale's house is next.

40
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,712
[Sighing]

41
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,912
I think I'll go call my mom.

42
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,918
Want to come with us?

43
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,049
Mega Lo Mart is running
a Halloween special.

44
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,491
If you buy two rubber masks...

45
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,257
they will punch out the nostril holes
for free.

46
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:46,332
Sorry. I got to go
to my youth fellowship meeting.

47
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,169
We're gonna deliver
a hot meal to old people...

48
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,000
and then blow on it.

49
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,673
BOBBY: Maybe I can be a Dalmatian.

50
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:58,140
Halloween costumes
are supposed to be scary.

51
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:00,213
How's a Dalmatian scary?

52
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,905
BOBBY: They can bite you.

53
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:06,075
And nine times out of ten,
they go right for the groin.

54
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:09,616
Where are the vampires
and monsters and ghosts?

55
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:14,719
"Elmo," "Aladdin,"� "Jenny McCarthy"?

56
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,258
I don't even know what these things are.

57
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,095
LEADER: I'd like to introduce
our guest speaker.

58
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,795
She's a new member of our church...

59
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,497
who has made herself known
in a very short time...

60
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:29,270
through a series of gutsy letters,
complaints, and threats.

61
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,934
Ms. Junie Harper.

62
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,979
[All clapping]

63
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,309
Thank you.

64
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,577
Why don't we just start things off
with a little quiz?

65
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:39,550
I hope it's open Bible.

66
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,111
Who can tell me what this is?

67
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:43,752
LUANNE: It's a witch.

68
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,690
Very good. What's your name?

69
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:50,059
LUANNE: Luanne Platter.
JUNIE: Luanne. You answered that so fast.

70
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,658
Do you know any witches yourself?

71
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,598
LUANNE: Witches aren't real.
JUNIE: Yes, they are.

72
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:57,363
They even have their own holiday.

73
00:03:57,437 --> 00:04:01,237
Who knows
what October holiday is associated...

74
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,900
with witches, goblins, and Satanists?

75
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:09,081
LUANNE: Halloween?
JUNIE: Smart.

76
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,310
This girl is very smart.

77
00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:12,510
[Sighing]

78
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,486
Thank you for noticing.

79
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:20,092
PEGGY: Well, we still need a costume
for Bobby. But at least we got our treats.

80
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:24,027
Eat Wells, sugar-free, low-fat Fun Bars.

81
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:27,926
Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters.
It's for diabetics.

82
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,603
I'm not gonna gain 10 pounds
like I did last year.

83
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,764
So, don't eat it. Just leave it there.

84
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,774
No one said
you could touch my candy, anyway.

85
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,141
JUNIE: The ancient Druids
celebrated Halloween...

86
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:42,671
by eating babies by the light
of their jack-o'-lanterns.

87
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,881
And then they danced.

88
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,347
[Exclaiming]

89
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:52,882
Boy, I'm sure glad
your grandma kept my old costume!

90
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,455
You know, I used to have a laugh
that went along with this.

91
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,259
Try it with me, son.

92
00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:00,023
[Sinister laughing]

93
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,159
[Bobby wheeze-laughing]

94
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,195
Scary?

95
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,805
It was disturbing.

96
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,639
LUANNE: Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy,
I have terrible news!

97
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:14,374
Halloween is a satanic holiday.
It was invented by the Drewish!

98
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,880
No, honey, not "Drewish.� The Druids.

99
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,078
Where did you hear that garbage?

100
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:22,178
It's the truth.
Trick-or-treating is devil worship.

101
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,847
Junie Harper says so.

102
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:28,755
Luanne, Halloween is just good clean fun.
It's got nothing to do with the devil.

103
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:32,290
HANK: I don't want to hear
any more of your foolishness.

104
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:33,594
[Crying]

105
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,026
Well, what is wrong with you?

106
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:39,501
She put some exciting
new thing in her brain...

107
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,406
and all she wanted to do was show it to us.

108
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:45,804
[Making baby talk]

109
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,439
So, you told him about the Druids,
and the candy corn...

110
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,415
and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun.

111
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,783
I felt so stupid.

112
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,218
Oh, no.

113
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,949
First of all, in the eyes of the Lord,
you're a genius.

114
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,458
The devil fools you
into thinking you're stupid...

115
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,587
because it makes it easier for him
to trick you.

116
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,198
But if you think you're smart,
you can resist him.

117
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,859
JUNIE: Do you see what I'm saying?
LUANNE: I'm not sure.

118
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,369
JUNIE: Satan, be gone! Now you see?
LUANNE: Yes.

119
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:13,468
These days, Satan's getting very popular.

120
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:17,441
That's why, this Halloween,
I'm sponsoring a Hallelujah House.

121
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,739
LUANNE: What's that?

122
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:22,214
It's a righteous alternative
to those wicked haunted houses.

123
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:23,783
Oh, no!

124
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,551
Uncle Hank is running a haunted house,
down at Bobby's school.

125
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:30,155
The school? Tell me more.

126
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,254
[Eerie instrumental music]

127
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,953
Let's get the rise and run
of this trough right.

128
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:38,191
I don't want my blood rushing
to my severed head.

129
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,324
HANK: Hey, Principal Moss.
MOSS: Hello, Hank.

130
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,799
This is a school.
You have to take that cigarette outside.

131
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,134
DALE: Yes, sir.

132
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,401
DALE: Jackass says what?
PRINCIPAL: What?

133
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:49,803
[Dale laughing]

134
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:51,671
[Moss grunting]

135
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,875
Hank, you know Mrs. Junie Harper.
She has some concerns.

136
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:59,245
Apparently, some people
consider Halloween a religious holiday.

137
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,309
HANK: So?

138
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:05,052
So our Constitution guarantees
a separation of Church and state.

139
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,455
Mrs. Harper has a point, and an attorney.

140
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:11,694
JUNIE: What's the skeleton for?

141
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,132
Planning to read fortunes
with the casting of bones?

142
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,190
No.

143
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,362
And what's that, a witch?

144
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:18,833
That has got to go.

145
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,964
I'm not taking out any of this stuff.

146
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,409
I want those kids
to have a real scary Halloween.

147
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:26,544
You know, I'm starting to feel...

148
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,878
like the whole idea
of a house of horrors is wrong.

149
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,014
Or we could make it a house of pancakes.

150
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:38,650
BILL: I'm just brainstorming here.
HANK: Shut up, Bill.

151
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:42,156
Look, we either do this haunted house
the right way...

152
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:45,357
or I'm not doing it at all.
Now, what's it gonna be?

153
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,526
Hank, we can't afford another lawsuit.

154
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,468
We blew our budget fighting wheelchair
ramps and left-handed scissors.

155
00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:53,402
So that's how it is?

156
00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:55,597
Boombhauer, grab Hagatha.

157
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,608
There's only room for one witch in here.

158
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,381
[Eerie instrumental music]

159
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:06,914
BILL: Well, I don't know.
Kids sure do love pancakes.

160
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,249
[Loud thud]

161
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:12,101
[Cutlery rattling]

162
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:12,751
[Cutlery rattling]

163
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,158
Next year, Bobby's gonna be a teenager.

164
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:19,162
It's our last Halloween together,
and Junie Harper ruined it.

165
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:23,565
PEGGY: There's nothing in the Constitution
about separation of Church and garage.

166
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:26,035
Why don't you make a haunted garage?

167
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,970
Yeah, I guess I could do that.

168
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,272
No, Uncle Hank. You could go to hell.

169
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:35,378
See, Junie Harper says a haunted house
is the devil's mousetrap...

170
00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:37,448
and fun is the cheese.

171
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:42,317
Luanne, just when I think you've said
the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.

172
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,889
Junie says I'm smart, so don't try
to trick me into thinking I'm not.

173
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,792
Now, hold on. Luanne is not stupid.

174
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,521
And neither is Hank's idea
for a haunted house.

175
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:54,693
So, you can have your haunted garage,
and you can be smart.

176
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:58,170
LUANNE: But Junie Harper says--
HANK: "Junie Harper says..."

177
00:08:58,304 --> 00:08:59,601
Last time I checked...

178
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,903
it wasn't Junie Harper's face
in the stained-glass window...

179
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,671
at Arlen First Methodist.

180
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,204
[Exclaiming]

181
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:10,441
Bobby, next Halloween you're gonna be
too old to dress up and get candy.

182
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:11,740
What?

183
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:15,812
Now, don't panic.
Treats are only half of trick-or-treat.

184
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,317
It's time you learn to give
as well as receive.

185
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,720
You're not gonna throw that, are you?

186
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,695
Bobby! Of course I am.

187
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:25,796
It's a sign of respect.

188
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:29,392
You know who could use
a little respect right now? Dale.

189
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,636
JUNIE: [Calling sweetly] Joshua!

190
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:35,166
[Progressively meaner in tonel]
Kitty! Joshua!

191
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:41,411
I'm suddenly reminded of a Bible quote:

192
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,660
"Do unto others..."

193
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:44,707
"Do unto others..."

194
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,147
BOBBY: I don't know, Dad.

195
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,883
This is vandalism, and vandalism isn't cool.

196
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,924
Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.

197
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,028
Now, come on.

198
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,553
[Grunting]

199
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,231
You got to have backspin, son. Like this.

200
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:07,172
[Cheerful instrumental music]

201
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,572
[Both gasping]

202
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:14,045
I am not afraid of you Satanists!

203
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:15,972
[Meowing]

204
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,517
HANK: Come on, boy!

205
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,546
JUNIE: I won't be afraid.
I'll stand up to all of you.

206
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:23,884
[Tires squealing]

207
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,424
[Cat screeching]

208
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,153
[Both panting]

209
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,155
[Both grunting]

210
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,859
[Suspenseful instrumental music]

211
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,063
[Both panting]

212
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:43,633
[Bobby gasps]

213
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:46,873
BOBBY: It's the fuzz.
HANK: Quick, ditch the evidence.

214
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:50,145
[Sitcom music playing on TV]

215
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,206
[Toilet paper thuds]

216
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,649
[Screams]

217
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,212
[Screams louder]

218
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,715
[Crickets chirping]

219
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:58,587
PEGGY: Well, there must be some mistake.
My Bobby?

220
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:02,226
Son, did you pay Mrs. Harper
a little visit tonight?

221
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,153
BOBBY: Yes.
PEGGY: Bobby!

222
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:09,368
Now, don't jump all over the boy.
The truth is, this is my fault.

223
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,868
JUNIE: Well, of course it is.

224
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,962
His antisocial behavior is a result...

225
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,804
of your whole family's
anti-Christian values.

226
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,970
You hold it right there, Junie Harper.
You are out of order.

227
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:24,311
I go to church, too, and I have raffled
and bingoed and bake-sated my way...

228
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,010
as close to the good Lord as you.

229
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:29,248
So, do not try to one-up me,
because I will one-up yours.

230
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:33,054
"The complacency of fools
will destroy them." Proverbs.

231
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:36,057
"Get out of my house.� Exodus.

232
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:41,733
HANK: You're a regular Halloween
hell-raiser, just like your old man.

233
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:43,926
[Door opens]

234
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,404
And I'm very disappointed in you.

235
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:47,796
[Peggy agrees]

236
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,241
[Hank laughing]

237
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,086
[Chirping]

238
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:08,184
I'll never use toilet paper in anger again.

239
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,396
LUANNE: Are you all right?
I didn't hear the TV on.

240
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,898
I grounded myself.

241
00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:16,535
I don't deserve to watch TV
after what I did last night.

242
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,936
LUANNE: It's not your fault.
It's Uncle Hank's fault.

243
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,035
[Luanne sighing]

244
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:23,769
He's a Satanist, Bobby.

245
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:27,072
Come on, Luanne!
That's the craziest thing I ever heard.

246
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,978
LUANNE: It's true.
BOBBY: Oh, dang!

247
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,584
That's why Uncle Hank
smirched my ideas about Halloween.

248
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,245
The devil doesn't want you
to know the truth.

249
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,080
Did your father ever make you drink blood?

250
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,953
He made me eat liver once.

251
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,154
That is called a recovered memory.

252
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,293
Think, Bobby.
What else can you remember?

253
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:46,622
[Grunts]

254
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,997
Where are the vampires
and monsters and ghosts?

255
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:54,265
You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser,
just like your old man.

256
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,239
It's just liver. It's not gonna kill you.

257
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,209
[Sinister laughing]

258
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:02,410
Oh, dang!

259
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,708
DALE: The vandalism upon my house...

260
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,413
can only be described as a hate crime.

261
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,548
Somebody hates me.

262
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,627
Let the record show
that somebody hates Dale Dribble.

263
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,926
Last night, my house
was also attacked by Satanists.

264
00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,762
Mrs. Harper,
what evidence do you have of that?

265
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,494
What evidence?

266
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,132
How is this for evidence?

267
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,134
[All groaning]

268
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,702
Little kitty!

269
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:30,873
Well, I think it is perfect.

270
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:34,173
Although I still think "Hank Heck"
works just as well.

271
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,677
Yes! Halloween is canceled.

272
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,475
I just got off the phone
with Mrs. Junie Harper.

273
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,987
She said that the city council
passed a curfew...

274
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,422
because the Satanists
made her run over her cat.

275
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,185
What about the trick-or-treaters?

276
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,489
There won't be any trick-or-treaters.

277
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:49,652
See, Uncle Hank?

278
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:53,165
You said I was wrong,
but now everyone agrees with me.

279
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:56,725
Nobody agrees with you.
You agree with everybody else.

280
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:59,528
You agree with any idiot
who says anything.

281
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,265
Stop attacking her, Hank.

282
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,311
Luanne didn't cancel Halloween.
Junie Harper did.

283
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,003
I don't care what she does.

284
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,241
Tomorrow night, I'm gonna teach Bobby...

285
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:11,682
the true meaning of Halloween,
come hell or high water.

286
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:16,244
My dad sure wants me to be
at that haunted house.

287
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,187
Last time he wanted me
to be somewhere so bad...

288
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:21,283
I woke up without tonsils.

289
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:23,319
[Luanne exclaiming]

290
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,093
This time, he may be after your soul.

291
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,161
I'm scared, Luanne.

292
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,469
I can't help you, Bobby.

293
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,498
But I know who can.

294
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,071
[Religious instrumental music]

295
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:35,801
Mrs. Junie Harper.

296
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,408
[Gate creaking]

297
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:42,710
[Wind howling]

298
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,549
[Crickets chirping]

299
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,156
Thanks for helping me get away.

300
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:02,134
I heard Satanists like my dad
always sacrifice virgins.

301
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,937
So we'd both better be careful.

302
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,668
[Hemming]

303
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:07,797
[Car door shuts]

304
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:14,642
Where is everybody?

305
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:18,048
I can't believe they're staying home
because of a curfew.

306
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,811
And where the heck is Bobby?

307
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,411
He's still out with Luanne.

308
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:23,683
I sent them to the store for more Hi-C.

309
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,453
Now, I guess that was a fool's errand.

310
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:34,499
Isn't there one person in this town
with the courage to celebrate Halloween?

311
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,867
DALE: [On megaphone] Hank,
while you're out there, turn off my hose.

312
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:42,265
First of all, I'd like to say
"halo" to everybody.

313
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:45,243
Now, follow me, children. No pushing.

314
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,676
"He who is last shall be first.�

315
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:52,885
JUNIE: What have we here?

316
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:56,749
It's a young, unmarried couple,
who are about to let their hormones...

317
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,621
get the best of them.

318
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,691
[Organ music playing on speakers]

319
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,784
[Junie exclaims]

320
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,957
I guess the old saying is true: "Sex kills.�

321
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:12,598
Dinner's ready. Where's Grandpa?

322
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,605
[Grunting]

323
00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:16,705
[Junie screaming]

324
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,937
That's your grandpa?

325
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:22,046
Haven't you heard?
Our ancestors are monkeys.

326
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,678
[Gorilla growls]

327
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,845
WOMAN: [Monotonically] Oh, no!
He's eating the baby. Stop him!

328
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,682
WOMAN: Honey?
MAN: We can't.

329
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:32,650
It's against the law to teach creationism.

330
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,022
[Children gasping]

331
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,525
Have you seen Bobby?

332
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:38,192
[Hemming]

333
00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:40,058
I think he said...

334
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,893
he was going to the gym.

335
00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:44,092
Luanne.

336
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:48,367
All right, I took him to Junie Harper's.
He's a lot better off there.

337
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:49,909
What are you talking about?

338
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:54,607
Well, I think that it's better for a child
to receive wholesome impressions...

339
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,240
from established religious authorities...

340
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,681
than participate in rituals
that are conducted by people...

341
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,552
who don't know
they are pawns of the devil.

342
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:07,958
Little missy, you hold it right there.
I have had it up to here with your baloney.

343
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:11,190
I have taken you into my home,
I have sheltered and fed you.

344
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,323
If you step
between my husband and his son...

345
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,868
I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage.

346
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:18,131
But I--

347
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:20,567
From now on,
you leave the parenting to us.

348
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,734
We get a magazine about it.

349
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:28,970
PEGGY: I brought you an ice-cold beer.
HANK: Thanks, Peggy.

350
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:34,313
Luanne took Bobby to Junie Harper's
for an anti-Halloween church party.

351
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,377
[Choking]

352
00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:36,717
[Gulping]

353
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,151
I came very close to spitting out beer.

354
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,837
I knew you'd be upset.

355
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:41,884
I knew you'd be upset.

356
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:45,427
They wrecked my haunted house,
they outlawed my trick-or-treating...

357
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,728
and now they want to brainwash my boy?

358
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,497
It's time for somebody to do something.

359
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:52,862
[Police-radio chattering]

360
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,707
Hank, no! You could go to jail.

361
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,844
I knew the risks when I put on the uniform.

362
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:08,850
HANK: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

363
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:28,569
Hey, man! Check it out, man.
I don't need no dang old costume, man.

364
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:32,441
I can be a dang old mime,
'cause I'm trying to get out of his box.

365
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:34,741
I say, playing tug of war, man.

366
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,073
BOTH: Trick or treat!

367
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,644
BILL: Here comes a ghost!

368
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,744
[Ripping]

369
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,947
[Grunting]

370
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,154
Toga!

371
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,317
ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

372
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,054
DALE: Boo.

373
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:57,793
I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist,
peddling influence.

374
00:18:58,270 --> 00:18:59,863
Who wants candy?

375
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:03,164
ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

376
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:05,305
LUANNE: Uncle Hank!

377
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,972
Trick or treat, smell my feet!

378
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,543
[Luanne crying]

379
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,811
[Crying] Give me something good to eat.

380
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,946
HANK: Come on, Luanne.

381
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,150
ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

382
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:35,369
Okay, Susie, what's it gonna take to get
you to join the Hallelujah Club tonight?

383
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:41,046
Look, you took the brownie.
I didn't make you take the brownie.

384
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,179
JUNIE: Congratulations, Bobby.

385
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,350
Hey, everybody, listen up!

386
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:50,319
Bobby Hill has joined the Hallelujah Club.

387
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,619
ALL: Hallelujah, Bobby!

388
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,721
Can I have another brownie?

389
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,888
CROWD: [Chanting] Trick or treat!

390
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,286
[Muttering]

391
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,129
I'll handle this.

392
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,894
CROWD: Trick or treat!

393
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:05,299
HANK: Hey, Bobby.
BOBBY: Go away, Satan.

394
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,135
Bobby, it's just a costume.

395
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,197
There is a curfew in effect, Mr. Hill.

396
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:12,245
But I guess you have no respect
for man's law, either.

397
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:14,712
I've had enough of this nonsense.

398
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,143
Come on, son, let's go trick-or-treating.

399
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,614
He will not, because he is a good boy.

400
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:23,679
[Sighing]

401
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:27,192
All right, Bobby.
I don't want to force you to choose.

402
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:30,361
I just wanted to spend Halloween
with my son...

403
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:32,921
but I guess I can't do that this year.

404
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:35,092
It just tears my heart out.

405
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,233
[Screaming in anguish]

406
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:40,864
[Kids laughing]

407
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:45,207
JUNIE: What do you think you're doing?
HANK: Just keeping an eye out for my son.

408
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,606
Oh, mercy! What have I done?

409
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:51,415
Do not encourage this monster. This is vile!

410
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:54,917
Come on, Bobby!
Halloween is just no fun without you.

411
00:20:56,555 --> 00:21:00,549
Bobby, if you leave now,
you'll never get the key to the kingdom.

412
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:02,785
HANK: Come on, son. Let's get some candy.

413
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:05,092
JUNIE: You'll go to hell!
HANK: You'll get candy.

414
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:06,393
JUNIE: Hell!
HANK: Candy!

415
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:09,795
Stop! I don't care about candy.

416
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:11,960
[Scoffing victoriously]

417
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:14,165
I just wanna be with my dad.

418
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,774
[Sentimental instrumental music]

419
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,434
All right, then.

420
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,477
[All chattering]

421
00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:27,042
Fine! Go on, all of you!

422
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,678
More room in heaven for me!

423
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:33,452
We got to get you home
and scare you up a costume.

424
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:35,750
HANK: Okay. Hey, Dad?

425
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:39,454
I was just kidding before.
I care about candy.

426
00:21:39,899 --> 00:21:41,298
I care a lot.

427
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:44,526
LUANNE: Happy Halloween, everyone!

428
00:21:44,837 --> 00:21:46,498
[All chattering]

429
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,250
[All laughing]

430
00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:48,297
[All laughing]

431
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,545
[Theme song playing]

432
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:26,844
BOOMHAUER: Dang old boo, man!

433
00:22:26,894 --> 00:22:31,444
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